ok so something a bit embarrassing just happened at work
define "a bit"
ok a LOT embarrassing
tell me everything immediately
so you know Sandra from accounts is leaving today right
yeah I got the email about the cake in the kitchen
right. so I spent all morning writing a speech for her
like a proper speech. jokes, memories, the whole thing
aww that's actually sweet. what's the problem?
I walked into the kitchen at 12:30 and there were people around the table with a cake so I just... started
you just... started the speech?
yes. I stood up and said "Sandra, 14 years is a long time and this office will never be the same without you"
ok and?
it was Derek's birthday. not Sandra's leaving do. Derek from IT. he turned 40.
JAMIE
no no no 💀
it gets worse
how does it get WORSE
Audio message
three minutes jamie. THREE MINUTES
and THEN I said "so please raise your cups and say goodbye to Sandra"
and Sandra walked in through the door at that exact second carrying a box of donuts
she WALKED IN
with DONUTS
I can't. I literally can't 😭😭
she looked at me. I looked at her. Derek was still holding his "Happy 40th" balloon
I said "...and those donuts look lovely, Sandra" and walked out
"those donuts look lovely" I AM CRYING
anyway. Sandra's actual leaving do is at 2pm. in the same kitchen. I still need to give the real speech.
ok. how much time do you have
45 minutes
ok first problem. everyone in that kitchen just heard the whole speech. so you can't use any of the same jokes
yes I know
second problem. were any of Derek's team going to Sandra's do too?
...probably
ok so just lean into it. make it the opening. "as some of you already heard this morning..."
oh. that's actually not bad
and it shows you're confident. like you're in on the joke. nobody respects someone who tries to pretend it didn't happen
ok I can do this. what else
do you have anything personal about Sandra? something only her close team would know?
she once saved the Henderson account by staying until midnight and fixing a spreadsheet with like 4000 errors in it
and she always remembers everyone's birthdays. like literally everyone. even the interns
perfect. use the birthday one. it's warm and specific and people will nod
and maybe say "ironically, she probably would have remembered Derek's birthday better than I did"
ROSA. that's genius
I know. write it down, stop texting me, go practise
ok ok. one more thing. do I apologise to Derek first or after
after. and bring him something. a chocolate bar. not a card. a card is too serious
a chocolate bar 😂 ok
Jamie spent the next 25 minutes rewriting his speech. At 1:58 pm, he sent one final message.
wish me luck
you've got this. also that scarf is not appropriate office wear but that's a different problem
Jamie walked into the kitchen at exactly 2:00 pm. About 15 people were gathered around the table. The same table. The same cake tin was still sitting in the corner from Derek's party. Jamie took a breath and started speaking.
He opened with: "As some of you already heard this morning — in the wrong room, for the wrong person — Sandra's leaving is a big deal." The room laughed. He kept going.
Audio message
SHE HEARD YOU THE WHOLE TIME
apparently yes
and she walked in with the donuts anyway
she walked in with the donuts anyway
honestly she sounds like the best person in that office
yeah. that's kind of what the speech was about tbh